Freedom!!! (Must be said in an elongated, Braveheart fashion.)

So, today was the last day of my job as a "Web Accessibility Consultant". Thank the great heavens above, no more stupid, boring, pointless, useless work! Of course, it wasn't pleasant, because my boss cried a lot, and said she felt like she "failed" me, and all I could think was, "Freedom!!!" I felt badly, obviously, because I don't like people to cry, and I don't like people to feel that they failed me, and, of course, it doesn't do good things for my finances (I mean, I was working two jobs for a reason), but . . . but . . . I'm free, I'm free, I'm free! I'll worry about money later; right now, the only thing I can think about is the fact that I'm no longer in the straight-jacket of 9-5-like work. I discovered long ago that I am fundamentally unsuited to that type of work, and that I simply cannot make myself do it for very long. I think one of the most important things to realize about yourself is what you can do, and do well, and what will make you happy and comfortable. I have realized that I cannot do 9-5 work, and do it well. It becomes suffocating, and I inevitably find myself rebelling in small ways -- without even realizing it. To have to be in the same place, day after day after day after day, at the same time every day, and getting in trouble if I'm not -- because I do get in trouble, because I'm not good at getting there on time. . . . It's just more than I can handle.

The funny thing is, I'm NEVER late to class. Why? I recognize that class will begin, with or without me, and that there is a specific period of time where the discussion will occur, and then it will be over. I was never late for meetings, I was never late when I ran trainings -- but work? For God's sake, what does it matter if I'm ten or twenty minutes late? The work will get done, and no one needs me the moment I walk into work. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, no more, no more, no more! The fact that I have to, until I get my Ph.D., and become a professor, depend on this kind of work is suffocating. In fact, I don't even like being locked into a schedule for tutoring. I prefer to log on when I can, do some tutoring, and log off when I'm done. I prefer freelancing. I'll get it done, and it'll be done beautifully, don't worry, and I can even work to deadlines (papers, yes, many papers written to deadlines for classes), but don't stand over me, and demand that I work these particular hours!

I am not, in any way, trying to disparage people who can work in the typical work environment. I admire those people, to be honest. But I simply cannot tolerate it, and I think that recognizing it is extremely important for both my sanity, and the sanity of my employers. I would hate to employ me in this kind of job; my inability to be "on time" all the time would probably make me insane, too. In fact, when I had to supervise people, I hated having to make sure they were there on time. I felt the way about them that I feel about me: I don't care if you're 20 minutes late or so, as long as the work gets done. I think I am just totally incapable of working in any kind of a structured fashion.

And now that I've got that down, I can't help but wonder if this was an answer to a quiet prayer I put up last night? I was sitting there, looking at the pile of work I have to do, and the paper-of-torment, and all the research that I'm still trying to condense into 20-25 pages (which seems like so much, but when you've already written, in some form or another, close to 50 damn pages, isn't at all), and thought about how much I have to work-in-order-to-make-money on top of all the work-in-order-to-make-my-life-worth-living, I had a mild panic attack. I mean, I'm taking three classes this quarter (four if one counts the paper-of-torment, and believe me, I do), and I'm working 30-ish hours a week, which leaves me time for . . . nothing! Yes, nothing! Not an ounce of spare time, which is overwhelming and is creating a desire for self-destruction within me. So, last night, I calmly sat down, and tried to organize what I needed to do to be successful, had my mild panic attack when I realized there were literally not enough hours in the day to do it all, and went to bed, terrified and, at the same time, strangely at peace. There wasn't time enough to do it all, so clearly, something would have to go. And today? It did.

It was obviously not planned, this last day of work. But it seems that I argued myself out of a job on Monday, by refusing to do something I knew was wrong. Not unethical, technically, but conforming to standards and ideals with which I do not -- emphatically do not -- agree. So, when asked to do so by my boss, I said no, at great length, giving my reasons and justifications, and apparently, that was that. (I bet this strikes a blow for those who say I'm argumentative. So maybe I am.) I wish I weren't so relieved over the whole situation. But I am. I am saying good-bye to a great deal of stupidity (I once compared my boss and her student assistant to two misfiring synapses), a great deal of miscommunication arising from said stupidity, a great deal of boredom, and a great deal of guilt for not giving a shit about the job I'm doing, but knowing that I should be grateful to the people who gave me the job, and that they deserve better/more out of me than they're getting. I have had several suggestions since I learned I was out of a job for making more money, and I will probably explore some of them. Currently, the most important thing for me is to make sure that I finish this quarter well. I MUST. That takes precedence over everything else. What I do now affects the rest of my life profoundly. If I have to starve for a month or so, well, it's not like I can't handle that. But to let school fail? Never! So I'll keep on tutoring, will up my hours, most likely, will take on freelance work as a writer, and will deal with a "real" job at the end of the quarter.

If only my boss hadn't cried. That's what's making me feel so badly. If only she hadn't cried.